How to be a Slob

Ever feel too put together? Too clean? Too ready for life? Ever look at yourself in the mirror and go, “Whoa, going to a job interview, Fancy Pants?”

Here are some guaranteed tips to get you off that high hog, down from your top shelf, and back into the rut of the real world:

Wear house shoes. All the time. To school. To the library. To the grocery store. The more tattered, the better. Untied house shoes are a bonus point.
Wear patterned pajamas in public. Winter themed patterns are a bonus point; skiing penguins are two bonus points.
Wear over-sized sweatshirts, preferably from a university that you’ve never been to or heard of. Bonus for a sports team you don’t support. Extra bonus for a sports team whose sport you don’t know.
Don’t comb your hair. Leave it looking like a rat’s nest. Wouldn’t want people to think you care about yourself! Throw it up into one of those twisty half buns and go!
Wash? Bleh, who needs to bathe? Not you, you underachiever! Get your reek on.
Stop washing those sheets, too. How will you keep those potential friends away if you smell like Sandalwood Vanilla? We all know people LOVE the bodily stench of oily skin, dead skin cells, night sweat, and junk-gunk.
Bright and obvious makeup is the only way to go. If it looks like something a Barbie doll from the 80’s would wear, it’s for you. Bonus point is you wear pink AND blue at the same time.
Food stains are like scars: they boast of your experience. Tells strangers not to mess with you – you’re the Meatball Sub Champ.
Saggy pants. Jeans should never be tight or fitted, especially in the butt. Make those boys wonder what’s really under there. Leave it all to the imagination.
Leggings. Bright colors and horizontal patterns, all the time, everywhere. Bonus point for combining them with water-stained Ugg knockoffs. Half a bonus point for Crocs.